Authenticity or Acceptance? The Fine Line Between Who We Are and Who We Pretend to Be
On International Women’s Day, we reflect on the pressures women face to meet impossible standards — whether in the workplace, relationships, or everyday life. The expectation to conform often forces women to suppress their true selves to fit in, leading to burnout and a loss of identity. Today and every day, we celebrate the strength of those who challenge these norms and embrace their true selves — and reflect on what we can do to support them.
This post reflects a conversation with Nancy Luong on a podcast hosted by Helena Arjuna Suter where boundaries dissolve: Social Conditioning is Silently Sabotaging Your Confidence, Career and Leadership!
The conversation and this post picks up prior posts that explored the many dimensions of women’s experiences in the workplace and beyond — how personal branding shapes opportunities, the ongoing struggle to balance career and caregiving, and the double standards women face in leadership.
The Pressure to Be Perfect: Perform for Acceptance
“I am tired of putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect. The feeling that we are judged the moment we walk into a room — whether it is because we are wearing a dress, speaking up, or simply existing in a space where we have to prove ourselves — leads many of us to overwork and overcompensate. Our credibility is often stripped away so quickly that we feel we must be exceptional just to be taken seriously.”
“That’s the standard that we have to live up to. Either I can belong to the tribe, or I can be myself, and we feel that there’s a trade-off.”
For many women, this pressure to perform at an impossible level is familiar, yet it’s an exhausting, unending, and invisible burden.
If we are too much of one thing — too confident, too stylish, too ambitious — we are penalized. If we are not enough of another — too quiet, too reserved, too understated — we are dismissed.
It is a walk along the razor’s edge that constantly forces us to prove our worthiness, even when the game itself is rigged.
But this pressure is not exclusive to women. I have spent time with young people who describe their ideal partners as men who should be highly educated, fit, successful, and constantly available. These impossible standards mirror the ones we impose on ourselves. We are expected to excel at everything—professionally, personally, even when dating.
“I hang out with young people who want the men they date to have college degrees, look like gym rats, be super handsome, be good cooks, but have time for them, quote Proust. And I’m like, baby, this is going to be very difficult to find.”
This incessant need to measure up manifests not just in our personal lives but also in the workplace. We wrote about the “beauty premium” and eating disorders in high-achieving business environments. The response was telling: 80% of the people who reached out privately were men.
The emotional toll of this pressure is heavy and often shows up in burnout, self-doubt, and a constant need to prove ourselves, no matter the cost.
Authenticity vs. Acceptance: A False Trade-Off?
Authenticity is a buzzword, but what does it truly mean for women? Too often, being ‘authentic’ invites criticism — we’re judged for our emotions, appearance, and leadership styles. How do we stay true to ourselves when doing so often leads to judgment, criticism, and dismissal? As one of the guests on the podcast shared, it’s a very fine line we walk.
“Being authentic has become a buzzword, but what does it really mean for women? How do we actually stay true to ourselves when authenticity can often lead to judgment, criticism about our appearance, being dismissed for our emotions, or being told that we’re too soft or too harsh?”
In a world of contradictory external signals, the internal self gets deformed — or drawn and quartered — pulled in multiple directions that seem impossible to control, towards goals that seem impossible to meet.
Which means we often put forth maximum effort, only to see that effort dismissed, denied, or denigrated.
Meaning that as a result true effort, creativity, and yes, love for our work ceases to be truly meaningful.
The idea that we must sacrifice part of ourselves to belong to the tribe is pervasive, and often, there is tension between our true self and others’ expectations. But pursuing authenticity with all of ourselves gives us the courage to build connections and communities where we can truly be seen for who and what we are.
However, this does require us to be willing to extend that same need, respect, and right to others whose viewpoints and values might diverge from ours.
This is the essence of true belonging—not fitting in by pretending to be something we are not and creating different types of tribes.
In other words, if we are our true selves, we can be seen. And if others are also honest about who they are, those relationships are inherently dynamic—like high-powered magnets snapping together—and stronger for the bond between them.
“The longer you pretend, the less able you are to be self-aware and honest with yourself and others. The greater the likelihood of a significant delta between who you are and how others see you. That can be very risky.”
Even the stage actress sets aside her roles when the curtain falls. Being on stage is not a 24-hour profession.
Yet many women seem to feel like actresses who play all roles in a Shakespeare play—man, woman, king, servant, soldier—and do that 17+ hours a day. It's an impossible task in the long term.
But what if there was just one role to play — you — and there was no stage? And no curtain. And you weren’t seeking applause. But rather just searching, every day, for a sense of internal peace and well-being. What would that be like?
Being authentic doesn’t mean that we won’t face criticism. In fact, authenticity can often invite judgment. The nail that sticks out gets hammered down.
But this external judgment does not reflect who we truly are—it reflects societal norms, biases, and expectations—and can provide an opportunity for conversation, like emotional or intellectual magnets that can come together and form strong bonds.
Once we acknowledge that, we can begin to separate ourselves from those ties and suspend the negative impact of external opinions. If you shine brightly in the midst of darkness, the darkness is still there, but you can still shine brightly all the same. In the process, we empower ourselves and others to live authentically without fear of judgment.
Because if we shine brightly, other lights will answer. Letting our Divine Spark shine and seeing it in others, as the Quakers teach us, can brighten days and lives.
Setting Boundaries as Self-Respect: Choosing Where We Give Our Energy
One of the parts of our conversation I liked the most was the discussion of the importance of setting boundaries—not just as a form of saying ‘no,’ but also was to reclaim time, energy, and respect at home and at work.
Setting boundaries allows us to honor our own needs, prioritize our well-being, and protect our energy. They are fundamental to emotional maturity (see a post about this here).
“Setting boundaries isn’t just about saying no; it’s about honoring ourselves. We would not push others to exhaustion — why do we do it to ourselves?”
For too long, the hustle culture has taught us that our value is linked to our output. We are taught to believe that the harder we work, the more valuable we are. But as many of us know, this mindset only leads to burnout and disillusionment. True self-respect, as we discussed, comes from honoring ourselves, recognizing our limits, and saying ‘no’ when we need to.
“Self-love is doing something that you enjoy and having gratitude but also having a balance to enjoy life outside of that.”
Taking time to care for ourselves, replenish our energy, and create space for rest is vital for our health and effectiveness in our personal and professional lives. It is in that space we create for ourselves that we can truly come alive.
Setting boundaries is a crucial step in maintaining that balance. It is equally crucial that others participate in this process and also think about how to give them space, occasionally putting our immediate needs on the back burner for just a bit.
The Freedom to Be Seen: Why True Belonging Starts with Honesty
A key theme that emerged during our discussion was the importance of creating a safe space for authenticity. This is not just a professional necessity — it’s a human one. When we allow ourselves to show up as we truly are, without fear of judgment or the need to perform, we create a space where others can do the same.
“Creating a safe space for us to be authentic matters. Because when people are authentic, that gives others the freedom to be themselves too.”
This insight resonates deeply with me because when we show up as our true selves, we give others permission to do the same. In a world where we are constantly trying to fit into molds created by external expectations, being authentic becomes an act of rebellion — and a way to cultivate real, meaningful connections.
And yet, for many of us, the journey to authenticity is not always easy. It is a bumpy road or a road along a cliff that seems too dangerous to walk.
As one of the podcast guests shared, it’s not about suddenly waking up and being completely okay with who we are. It’s a process, a constant unfolding where we learn to let go of the outside noise and truly embrace our unique selves.
“Self-love is knowing too that all parts of us — including my job — don’t define me. Work is a part of my life, but it does not define me.”
The ability to accept our imperfections and set healthy boundaries is critical to our personal growth. The freedom to be seen is not just about sharing our strengths but also our vulnerabilities — the parts of ourselves that are often hidden for fear of judgment. But it is in those moments of vulnerability that we form deeper connections and build communities rooted in trust and acceptance.
But in order to do this — we must share ourselves with others. That first step is always our own and is often scary but often meaningful, even if it fails. Because people on the other side of the equation will know that what you have said, done, or created is truly authentic. And because of that, something inside of them — their authentic self — will answer. Maybe not right away. Maybe not even next week, or next month, or next year. But it will.
Evolving Expectations, Unchanging Pressures: More Freedom or More to Juggle?
But even as we strive for authenticity, the pressures shaping women’s experiences have been remarkably persistent.
Over the years, we have explored how these expectations manifest in different ways — from the pandemic’s impact on leadership to the complexities of self-promotion and the caregiving-career balancing act.
Each year, these conversations have revealed the same underlying tension: women are expected to be everything at once — competent but humble, strong but nurturing, successful but selfless.
As we revisit these past reflections, we see how these pressures continue to evolve yet remain deeply ingrained. What have we learned? And how can we continue pushing for workplaces and societies where authenticity and ambition are not at odds but in harmony?
Queen Bees vs Worker Bees: Leading and Serving the Hive
For International Women’s Day 2021, Human Sustainability Inside Out Founder Bahia El Oddi and I wrote about the profound challenges women faced in the early days of the pandemic. We observed the rising visibility of women leaders who, while navigating the crisis with resilience and empathy, provided a startling contrast to countless women pushed out of the workforce or forced to scale back their careers to shoulder greater caregiving and educational responsibilities at home.
The pandemic made clear that women's experiences were far from monolithic. Some emerged stronger than ever in leadership, while others struggled in silence, their contributions often unseen.
Looking back, it’s evident that the pandemic highlighted what many of us had known but had not always acknowledged: that true leadership is not defined by traditional traits but by empathy, vulnerability, and adaptability — qualities often attributed to many women.
The pandemic laid bare the contradictions in how women are treated in leadership. Some women rose as visible, empathetic leaders, while others were pushed out of the workforce. Leadership isn’t about traditional traits — it’s about adaptability, resilience, and empathy. Yet, these traits are still undervalued in many workplaces, forcing women to navigate the same impossible trade-offs between success and authenticity. Qualities celebrated in times of crisis continue to be dismissed in everyday leadership contexts, leaving many women feeling like they must choose between authenticity and professional success.
Mirror, Mirror on the (Digital) Wall: Women and the Challenge of Personal Branding
In 2023, Antonio Sadaric, Susanna Harkonen, and I turned our focus on personal branding, which is tricky for everyone especially for women. Women walk a fine line between self-promotion and societal expectations. While confidence and visibility are essential for career advancement, women are often judged more harshly for self-advocacy, forced to navigate a double bind — be assertive but not arrogant, authentic but not vulnerable.
For freelancer, entrepreneurs, SME, and non profit leaders who are their brand, this pressure intensifies. Independent workers, especially women, must constantly market themselves while managing the emotional toll of isolation and the lack of traditional workplace support systems. Success depends on strategic impression management, but the risk of burnout is high.
Personal branding platforms, meant to level the playing field, instead be amplifying biases. Women must decide how much of their identity — gender, race, age — to showcase, knowing that it can either open doors or reinforce stereotypes. The pressure to curate an idealized version of oneself mirrors the unattainable standards placed on women in every sphere — whether as professionals, caregivers, or leaders. Meanwhile, the cost of constant self-promotion can erode authenticity, leading to a disconnect between who we are and who we present ourselves to be.
Balancing the Care(er) Continuum: Redefining Success on Our Terms
In 2024, Verena Hefti, CEO & Founder of Leaders Plus, a social enterprise dedicated to supporting working parents to progress their careers, and I focused on the tension of being a successful professional who is a mother and a mother who is a successful professional.
Women today are expected to excel in both roles, often without sufficient structural support. Studies show that working mothers still bear the majority of household and caregiving responsibilities, despite increasing workforce participation.
A 2023 report from McKinsey and Lean In found that women in leadership are more likely than men to experience burnout, with 43% of female leaders reporting they are exhausted at work compared to 31% of male leaders. Across the world, according to the World Health Organization, depression is 50% more common in women than in men.
These rising expectations echo the calls for justice made over a century ago, such as the 1870 “Appeal to Womanhood Throughout the World,” which urged women to take a stand against war and violence. Today, we need a modern appeal — one that demands equitable policies, workplace flexibility, and cultural shifts that acknowledge the reality of caregiving alongside professional ambition. The future of work depends on how well we recognize and address these challenges, not just for women but for society as a whole.
Reclaiming Our Voices: What We Refuse to Accept
The truth is that we do not need to sacrifice our authentic selves to find belonging. Seeking out that authentic self in everything we do is a challenging path, but it’s worth it. And in many ways, it takes far less energy to be authentic than it does to jump through multiple “societal hoops” simultaneously.
The actress can act in multiple plays across multiple stages with multiple expectations. Or she can play one role: her own. Self-defined, self-determined, and self-affirming.
“You can’t keep pretending without losing touch with who you really are.”
It is a process of shedding layers — of deprogramming the beliefs and thoughts that have been instilled in us over the years.
Once we let go of the need to perform and prove our worth, we open the door to a deeper sense of self-acceptance and connection with others.
Mistakes and miscues become more commonplace, but as we take more risks with our authenticity, the scale and impact of our wins become enormous. When we hold nothing back and answer problems and challenges with the entirety of ourselves—and all of those around us do the same—nothing becomes impossible.
The journey toward an authentic self is ongoing and requires courage, but the reward is worth it: freedom, authenticity, and true belonging. And it is amazing how often that if you express your true self, others are empowered to do the same. Meaning that once you begin, your impact doesn’t just stop with those around you, but echoes out far further, like ripples in a pond.
When we allow ourselves to take up space as our actual selves, when we stop trying to be everything to everyone (and as a result end up being nothing to no one) we create room for others to do the same.
Shining the light of your authentic self, and creativity, and compassion, and love as brightly as possible — actually matters.
That’s where true transformation begins — as we open ourselves up to who we truly are, the communities and workplaces around us will change for the better.
In a world that demands so much from women—perfection at work, at home, in our relationships, and even in our activism—it is time we stopped proving and started demanding. The systems that have exhausted us will not change because we quietly endure; they will change when we make it impossible for them not to.
This International Women’s Day, focused on “Accelerating Action”, let us move beyond resilience and embrace refusal: refusal to overextend, to be underpaid, to carry invisible labor, to shrink ourselves for acceptance. Progress does not come from women adapting to broken systems — it comes from breaking them.
What will you refuse to accept in 2025? And what action will you take to change it?
Thank you, Nancy, Helena, and all my co-authors for helping me grow up and into these conversations, and Matthew Vernon for his input.
